The mob waited outside for him, blocking all possible escape routes, their intentions were clear, the young man was going down, he was gonna get soaked in red.

They spread out the bottles amongst themselves and waited patiently...patiently as the moment of truth drew near. Soon it was time.

The moment they saw him step out, they grabbed him and dragged outside, forced him to his knees while at the same time tearing his white shirt to shreds. He struggled to stand but the tug and the pull, the weight of several arms and the passion he saw in their eyes made his legs give way. He knew there was no turning back, he had to heed to the motioned out request.

It was the last paper and as a ritual final year students are poured water and any other liquid the perpetrators choose to use, as long as it's not dangerous. This time, the object of the whole fiasco was our LAWSA president and he was getting it real hard.

They tore his shirt, poured water and zobo on him then tore part of his trousers. All this he took with a smile on his face.

After they had thrown several sachets of water at him and emptied their bottles of zobo, they let him go while they went to join the sachet water shooting and zobo bottles emptying frenzy at the car park...lest i forget, there was lots of champagne too, so much the whole car park stank of alcohol.

You won't really understand until you've being in a federal university in Nigeria for atleast three years, then you'll know to have spent five years is no small task. The stress, the trauma, the drama...everything's finally ends. I don't think anybody would mind having water, champagne and zobo emptied on them, i for one hope they do it to me, cos to read book is not a small something.

Congratulations to all final year law students, UNIBEN, wish you success in your endeavors outside the 'Berlin wall' .

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I guess I looked really fresh cos I was feeling really good with myself, this time I had original denims on...hehehe. It was time for CLASFON service. I got to school and went straight to the venue which is our faculty.

The audience was kinda small at first then it grew larger, no thanks to the African timers. I was given a tablet with a pink casing to cover the event so I was the official makeshift cameraman...but pink? Seriously? Comon… i did myself the favor of removing the pink casing before lifting the tab up, I won't be caught dead with or in anything pink.

And so I began coverage, not moving an inch from my seat, if you weren’t within my view… your funeral, I couldn't be bordered about getting up.

Programs went by, the dance group came and they were super cool, one of my friends who was dancing was just twisting and whining her waist like a Calabar girl, I was held spellbound. if you date a girl like her, i dont think you guys will ever have issues, how do i mean? all she needs to do is start dancing, throwing little twist and whines around during the dance while you're in full view and the quarreling will be gone with the wind, because you would have apologized on your kneels without you even knowing...you have being h(i)pnotized. The drama presentation was off the hinges, it was off the hook, in fact its T.V worthy, it was unexpectedly beautiful...short, concise and full of meaning. I could have described the piece presented in more dramatic detail but I can't, sorry, maybe later in another article, but not now, too lazy to. Moving on.

While I was busy enjoying the event, I heard the M.C say:

'Time for special numbers, from Mark and Samuel'

I ignored cos I didn’t believe they just called my name out for special numbers, what! Well pardon me, I was brought up in a local church where special number means a solo or a duet, I never knew special number meant any presentation that wasn’t the regular or expected one. So when they called me out for special number, I stayed back till I heard my name thrice, then I got up and sauntered to the podium, and from the look on the faces of the guest especially the ones who knew me, I could see they were very surprised and patiently waiting to hear me sing or humiliate myself. I held the mic and began:

'good morning everyone, I’m sure y'all are thinking I’m gonna sing, but no I’m not, and I’m not gonna dance or preach either, so what I’m I here for? Why I’m I holding this mic?

Somebody in crowd said comedy and I said no and from thence I began. It was a talk and my talk was simply about diversity and human relation. The ability to build social skills while in school because you have the opportunity of meeting different people here which is similar to what you’ll encounter in the real world. I'm not giving a speech so I’ll stop here, I’ll put up the video as soon as I’m able to help it shed some fat.

The service went well, especially the 100L choir, they were awesome, the 'awesome' emphasized. And for those that don't know, CLASFON means Christian Law Students Fellowship Of Nigeria.

So I hung around with a few friends after service, helped one really pretty one get rid of the egg white in her pastry…damn sheee fineeee, and y’all better belee that. I hope she’s crushes on me though; it’ll make things easier cos I kinda…ermmm…never mind…scratch that…lol , Moving on. I kept getting compliments about my really cool shirt so I decided to stroll in and out to show it off a little more. I can swear some girls in a corner were gossiping about me because they kept whispering and stealing glances at me...Hmmm, well I don’t care what they were talking about. Did what I had to do and bounced out with my home boy who happened to be the preacher for that day.

I got home, chilled and guess who showed up? ‘The girl’ (For the sake of secrecy I’ll call her ‘the girl’). Ok a brief history of ‘the girl’. ‘The girl’ is a very beautiful girl, distinctively crazy just the way I like with a sense of humor that’s way off top. We met sometime last semester, and that was it, we became friends. We are similar in so many ways; her sense of humor, smart and above all her choice of music, she loves Regina Spektor too and it means a lot to me that she does, maybe it’s because Regina is crazy too, get any of her songs and you’ll understand.
The crush I have on her, ‘the girl’ is so huge sometimes I walk with a limp cos of its weight (punch line). Ok, so ‘the girl’ came over and we had so much fun, innocent fun since we’re just friends so get your minds outta the gutter, grazie.

I walked her home, came back and treated myself to a bowl of pounded yam and ogbono soup (yummy). Took a quick shower, jumped into bed and pressed my phone till fade. I guess I had a wonderful day. HAPPY NEW MONTH.

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After very long hours of watching bleach, I decided to head for school around 3:30pm, took a quick shower and threw on an original Burberry long sleeve shirt (showoff) and a pair of Aba made denims that I inherited from my flat mate who cut it too short for him to wear, unfortunate for him but fortunate for me...the Lord really does work in mysterious ways.

I walked to the bus-stop and realized I had very little cash in my wallet, I needed to use the ATM at the Skye bank beside me, but there was a queue, I decided to wait cos there was this pretty young lady on the queue too right in front of me, then she picked a call and I saw ‘the ring’…that was my cue, I had to ditch using that ATM and continue on my journey with the resolve that I’ll use any of the ATMs' in school, couldn't bare the thought of such a pretty girl in another's arms. :D

I don't know how it happened, can't really explain, all I saw was a car door  open and a bike man fall into…no no, inappropriate... I meant fly into a gutter that's more than six feet deep. I stopped abruptly, stared with eyes wide open and replayed the scene again in my head. A car had parked by the road and an old man was coming from behind on his bike. Just about the time the bike was beside the door of the front passenger seat, the occupant of that seat opened the door to get off and like one of Kobe Bryant’s long throws, the old man and his bike... swooooop!! Into the gutter they went.

The gods the guy who opened the door served were not sleeping at that time, for the odds were in his favor...the driver was a soja man, so nobody could harass him.

Eventually a relatively tall dude goes into the gutter and pulls the man out, I felt pity for gramps. He couldn’t stand straight anymore, fright written all over him like the mundane tattoos on wiz khalifa, he had to be lifted into the car so he could be taken to the hospital.

At first I thought he was dead, because great was his dive into that crater called a gutter, then he was brought out alive but from the way he moved, one could see gramps had broken a few bones. I felt pity for him and the pretty girl who just got off a bike for money fell out her wallet and it had being picked by somebody who needed it more.

I moved on, got on a bus and landed in school. There weren’t classes in my faculty today because of the LAWSA elections so I was just going to see somebody and probably hear the results of the election.

I saw a small crowd outside the faculty when I got there, all of them patiently waiting for the results to be announced. I took the opportunity to look at the faces of the persons that were there. They were scattered everywhere in small groups like it was a refugee situation, but one thing they had in common was that most of them looked starved; this begs the question, where they promised food? There was only one way to find out...ask them? Naa...I chose the more profitable way, sit down somewhere close to where the largest crowd was and wait for what was gonna happen, just in case there was any refreshment, it won’t pass me by.

The results were announced and the whole car park erupted. Suddenly everybody voted for the winner, nobody voted the looser. So if that be the case, where did eleco get their figures from? Hmph… figures nobody wants to associate with the losing side, just so you aren’t excluded from the after which was to hold at club car park, drinks on the winners and when we say drinks we mean coke and fanta.

The dude who won the post of the president was pretty short; I still couldn't spot him even though his supporter had carried him on their shoulders, he prolly got mixed up with some hair or fell into somebody’s pocket, I wonder where he’ll stand to swear his oath. When eventually he was found he kept grinning and shaking hands with people excitedly, he didn't realize he was shaking me the fourth time. Then I soiled my hands with sand in evil anticipation of his return for another hand shake, but he never came back, I was hurt, somebody had to take this handshake and my victim was the outgoing sec gen…(hehehe *evil laugh*) I never really liked him, he had the looks of someone who’s never had enough sleep. Alas! his hands were soiled too, so I had to abandon my evil quest.

The dude who won the post of sec gen was also short, but his height wasn’t the issue, his skin color was…penumbra. He's so black I felt tempted to ask if he took his bath with coal-tar, the dude must use an awful lot of Hypo, poor white shirt. He seemed a little calm though, but for the fact that every time he stood beside a black car he blends in like a bad dent, I wouldn't have said anything.

Then the bottles began to roll in, it was time to pop something in celebration of various victories one of which is victory over hunger... whoop! Whoop! whoop!! All the faces I saw earlier looking hunger stricken suddenly lit up and their bodies sprang into action; the action of answering nature's call for survival. It’s amazing what the site of ready food can do to a shriveled mind and a body hunger was giving a full on hug, now I know how those mosquitoes feel when they see  bare butt after days of starvation...ahhhh!! Nirvana.

They closed in on the bottles like the zombies in resident evil and began scrambling to grab theirs and in less than 2mins the crate was empty, in less than 10mins the bottles were empty. Enters another crate, and the same people scrambled for it like the Europeans scrambled for Africa, some people making away with more than 2 bottles. And another crate and another crate then they realized the winners of the election had no plans to feed their supporter, but to freely give each and every one of them the gift of diabetes and pile. But this didn't stop them from grabbing more; they had plans to get high on coke… fanta and sprite.

The ritual of coke, fanta, handshakes and mechanical smiles continued while I moved on, chatted with a few people then made for home. It looked like it was gonna rain, I had to get a home quick, I had a speech to prepare and a diary excerpt to write. happy new month every one

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The day went by in a dull shade of grey, I was so bored I kept drawing and making paper planes from the CLASFON handbills that were shared the previous day, while at the same time staring at those flirting, those frolicking and those who I still can't believe are in the same class as me.

When that couldn't alleviate my boredom, I decided to take a walk and probably converse with two of my friends.

I eventually took up the herculean task of getting off my chair and going to seek my friends out. I walked down, and turned left, heading to the corner they told me over the phone they were. In my really lazy trudge, eyes slant, my shoes shuffling and my shoulders dropped, I swung my head to the right just in time to catch a glimpse of what was happening down stair.

At that precise moment I saw a little child tumble into the drainage beside his mom's shop and lie flat in it. The whole scene felt like something from “the matrix”, my current condition of laziness made me see the occurrence in slow motion. I saw the child's head go in head first, which transforms into a roll and then a thud; his butt slamming the concrete of the drainage, he lay down flat on his back in there, paused for about three seconds probably to anticipate the decibels he was gonna get to, then he let it out, a long shrieking sound that sent shock-waves through my already shaken body, the hair on my skin stood and I looked on while playing the accident that just happened in my head. It felt like a movie; the boy's fall in slow motion while the shrieking sound he made was the sound track (too much Quentin Tarantino movies). Then I realized I had stopped to stare, eyes dilated and mouth open, I decided to shut my mandibles and continue on my quest because at this point the boy's mom had swiftly pulled him out, with the kind of agility only Flash could have, checked him for bruises while women around tried to appease the child who was determined to stretch his vocal cavity till taut.

'Osenobua' 'dooh' 'sorry' where the sounds that tried to create a symphony with the cry of the child, it was a terrible symphony.

I moved on and joined my friends, shoulders square and eyes now open, but deep within me I enjoyed the little reality show I just watched. We chatted and resorted to taking pictures when it was the turn of one of my friends to take the picture of the other one his countenance changed, he lightened up and I’m sure he fumbled with the snap button of the iphone he was holding, we weren’t sure what the cause of his current unstable condition was so we decided to look at the direction he was staring at and there she was, in her immaculate white shirt and black skirt, walking towards us. 

It was like an angel had decided to bless us with her presence; I almost thought I could see a halo above her head while she floated instead of walk towards us. Its felt like the sun was trapped in her head for it was bright and her eyes glistened then she smiled and turned left into a lecturer office and our hearts sunk, not cos of the hypnotic air she carried but because she went into a lecturers office instead of coming to us, damn! She was my friend's crush, he was clearly spellbound, a crush that'll crush him to death if the girl keeps appearing like that, a crush he has never spoken to and has  no intentions to, I couldn't make out what he said because I was caught up in the rapture too. When she went into the office, I took up the responsibility of taunting my friend about his ‘undying dead’ crush for a girl he'll never have, at least not right now.

He knew I wasn’t gonna stop so he pushed me downstairs to grab lunch because hunger happened to be atop my list at that point in time. I ate something I’d rather not disclose due to the base nature of it and we left. Went back and forth and then eventually left for home. On our way home we saw my crush, or rightly put, my ex-crush, cos i think I’ve gotten over her. I hollerd and walked past. 

When we got close to the halls of residence we were accosted by a terrible stench, stench so strong I thought were gonna mutate, maybe become FARTastic 3 and one of us preferably the fair one would be able to turn into gas, fart to be precise and poison the enemies air… stinkingly cool right ? . This led us into a discussion I would also rather not disclose, because the details of it are too sordid for me to think of let alone type, but for the sake of ending this excerpt properly I’d say we were talking about 'shot-put' and the female halls of residence, the rest is for me to know and for you to find out so go figure...disgusting...hehehe

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...and the young man who just got off an okada, strolls leisurely towards our building, a simple good afternoon to me and he went about getting started with whatever he came to do, a quest i wasn't sure of until much later. He changed into a pair of soiled denims he had cut into shorts, went, picked up some firewood from that which my landlady sold and made a fire.

His looked plain and professional at the same time, he went about with such fluidity only professionals could have. Dark skinned with lips spread but shut, there were no furrows on his forehead but on his stoned face you could see resolve and a determination to get whatever he came to do here done quickly...then he spoke

   'how far where d goat?'

   'naim be dat, i dey cum' replied the landlady's son.

At this point i closed my book curious to know what was about to happen. The landlady's son mustered a group of children and after a light chase the goat was apprehended and handed over to the young man whose expression had not changed since he got here. He took out a cutlass and a knife and pinned the goat to the ground with his legs. The goat bleated terrifyingly as if she knew what was about to befall her, she bleated with all the energy she could muster, head raised and pitiful eyes set on the young man as if trying to say something or plead with him, but he kept on with the hole he was digging beside the goat's head. The goat realized there was no turning back she laid still let short whimpering sounds and resigned to fate and at that very moment the young man and the goat were kin, the prey and the predator, the hunter and the game.

Then it dawned on me...the young man was 'the butcher'.

He then took the knife and in two strokes all the main veins in the goat’s neck were spurting out blood profusely into the hole he had dug. The goat jerked a little then was still and the butcher went about other stages of butchering; burning d goat's hair, scrubbing it thoroughly and cutting up the meat into different chunks. And when he was done, he cleaned his tools, himself, changed back and left the compound without his expression changing once, his emotions couldn't be read, his thoughts too...indifferent.

The butcher... He was masterful for he had the poise of a professional assassin.

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What you see above is not from a book, it’s what I made out of an event that occurred yesterday. So instead of just saying it, I thought I write it out like an excerpt from a book. My opener to blogging to again. J

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